When every fiber of your being wants to shut down or scream, catch yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and take a deep breath, and let your partner know that you need a break. To do it well, you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give yourselves a chance to cool down, and recover from flooding. It’s important to recognize that even if you do this, arguments can still spiral out of control. Non-verbal cues, such as nodding your head and maintaining eye contact, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation. Listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. In a healthy relationship, it’s important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don’t agree with. This means not shutting your partner down prematurely. There are three things to consider before taking a break from conflict. How do you take space in such a way that supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame? These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy. Our spouses may read body language like eye-rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. As mammals, we’ve evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. It morphs the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.Įven if you’re in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you’re still vulnerable. When you’re feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as the problem. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. We compound the problem by misusing the time apart. We shut down conversations prematurely or push our partner past their threshold of tolerance, and when this happens, both partners can get locked in a stalemate of stonewalling. Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. In order to be successful, however, it helps to follow a few basic practices. It’s also one of the most difficult.īreaks give you time to calm down, deepen your perspective, and have a successful “do-over” with your partner. Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and take a break is one of the most crucial relationship skills.
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